Maybe

Silly as it may sound, but recently i feel so dull, deep within my core i feel empty, emptiness wrecking my soul. I wake up every morning and feels like this. I don't know why, but i just know that I don't want to feel like this. Not forever. It's strange. I've got to find way to stop feeling like this.
Tomorrow will be my last exam for this second year of Senior high School.. but there's no feelings of worry, no excitement, nothing... just emptiness.. As if nothing in this world matter anymore.
I walk in my room an hour ago, and i sat in my bed thinking what the hell in the world is going on with me whilst my running brain, there's no answer i'm seeking for... just emptiness.. as empty as when i wake up Yesterday morning and this morning.
I open my drawer to look for the mini screw-driver to fix my glasses, but instead the tool, i found the silver framed Alan Rickman autograph that i received sometime ago last year. I stare at it... so long.. The mini screw-driver had been forgotten.. The man who stared back at me from the silver frame had inflicted some emotions from me as any of his picture always did, inflicted something from my hollow core. It's not the feelings of happiness, certainly not joy. I realize it's an urge... But urge to what? I stare at it again, stare at his picture, at his handwritting. Then i put the autograph down, and get off my bed.
Alan Rickman once said: 
I would still be out there as an actor doing something somewhere at 70.
Where is his determination come from?
I decide to make this man as a role model of mine since i was 12. I admire him. I admire the way he seems to calculate before he say anything.
My philosophy of life is always his quote or something related to him, I think it make me wiser and in a sense it makes me try to see life as it is.
Whenever i'm having difficulities to make a decision or anything, i'll start to think, 'What will Alan do?' (Yes, i said Alan... i don't know him or even met him before, i apologize if it offended anyone) 'What will Alan say?'
By doing that, it helps me to believe that the action i take is what i personally think is the best to be done.
After staring at the silver framed autograph for another moment I then realized. This urge that this great man autographs make me feel is the urge to struggle againts this emptiness, this hollowness. That there're still many things i can experienced and i can do.
Like move to London, as soon as the circumtances allow me to. I could start learning how actors act by watching some plays in West End.
Or maybe i don't have to move to London at all. I might just start a small restaurant near my home and take care of it till the day i die.
A life where i can watch Alan Rickman play for real in case one day he might do it again..
If this morning i feel empty, after i look at what inside that silver frame... i feel somehow myself again..
Then again.. maybe it's not actually an emptiness or even a hollowness i felt recently.. maybe it's longing.. longing to do something..
Maybe life as complicated as it may seems... Never really that complicated..

Comments

[Amy]

Marlina,

You know, I always come here and read your posts, but I never respond because I didn't have a friendster account. But your post today moved me so much that I knew that I had to respond. What you wrote was really beautiful. I am sorry that you were feeling sad, but it sounds like you were inspired by reminding yourself about Alan and his accomplishments. I mean it when I say, "If you believe it, you can achieve it."

Go for your dreams, girl!!!

*hugs!*

CatsPlay

[Amy]

Marlina,

I learned about the earthquake in your country from the GB this morning. Myself and everyone is hoping you are OK! Please let us know!!

[Marlina]

Thank you so much for the comments dear Cats :)
It had been dull lately.. but the GB, the other hens and you have made it more colorfull :)

Thanks again, I am perfectly alright.. the earthquake was in central Indonesia.. I am in Medan, a bit more to West from the earthquake location.

PS: May the poor victim souls rest in peace.

[simmei]

Hey Marlina,
I hope it helps to know that you're never alone, and that someone, somewhere feels exactly the same.
And it's very true when you say that maybe life isn't as complicated as it seems, though it's still complicated sometimes, but where's the fun in a predictable existence? =)
It's amazing to know that there's this network of his fans all around the world..very heartening indeed!
And i'm glad to know that you're alright, may the victims of the earthquake find peace and their families grow ever more stronger.
by the way, in case you're wondering who I am, I'm amy-da-great, the blogger.
Anyway, just wanted to say hello !

[Marlina]

Don't worry, I don't feel like that anymore :)

It's just that particular moment in life when one feels like there's no light by the end of the tunnel, all dark and dull.. Wherever direction one turns one's head, it's always the same dull darkness one could see :)

Hello to you too Simmei :)